


No One Else To Blame

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:19:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7179848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened after Lucifer snapped in the cage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No One Else To Blame

**Author's Note:**

> This was written after witnessing the events of 11x10, as my personal fix it.

It was almost as if someone slowed down time when Lucifer landed the hit, he could not stop it, no matter how hard he tried. In Lucifer’s head the scene played again and again, guilt driving him more than ever before in his life. He couldn’t believe what he just did, what his anger made him do. Still, the result was there, in front of him, bleeding. And this time there was no one else to blame it on, this was Lucifer’s fault and he knew it. He got down on his knees, crawling over to Sam, who was still so shocked that he didn’t even whimper, didn’t even speak. Lucifer didn’t care for anything at the moment, he simply pulled Sam into his arms, tears of guilt and pain streaming down his cheeks.

“Oh god, Sam! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.”

He cried, his face buried against the hunter’s head. He lost control. With anyone else he wouldn’t care, but that he hurt Sam like this was the worst thing he could imagine. Holding the human in his arms tight he brushed a hand through his hair, trying to be as gentle as possible to him. God, he knew this was the biggest mistake in his entire existence and he would do anything to turn back time and stop himself.

Sam stared at him with his eyes ripped open, bleeding from the wound where he hit the cage and from his mouth and nose, all caused by Lucifer’s sudden force against him. There was so much betrayal in his eyes, so much sorrow, Lucifer couldn’t even stand looking into them. But he did.

“I didn’t want that, Sam, really. I don’t know what has gotten into me…”

There was nothing Lucifer could say to make up for what he just did, he knew it. All of this were lame apologies, lame excuses. He hurt the only human being he ever cared for, the only one he ever _wanted_ to care for.

“Please forgive me, Sam…”

Sam _couldn’t_ forgive him this time, everything in Lucifer screamed that this was it, that this was the end of his fall. No torture he ever experienced through the hundreds of years in the cage was able to hurt him as much as this moment, break him so much. He hurt his other half and that was worse than hell. All he could do now was hold him and pray that he wouldn’t hate him even more now. The silence in the cage was almost loud, only broken by Lucifer’s silent crying. Sam’s body was unusually stiff and cold, but he couldn’t stop holding him.

“I will never ever lay a hand on you again, I swear with my life. I would rather kill myself than ever hurt you again…”

He meant those words, more than anything ever before in his life. The cage wouldn’t let him die, but he’d rather go back in there, rather go back to Michael’s wrath, than to risk hurting him again. Lucifer didn’t know how desperately he held Sam, how much he pressed him against his own body. But suddenly he felt a hand on his arm, gripping it almost harsh and he loosened his grip slightly. Sam didn’t say a word, just held him there, and Lucifer didn’t know what to do now, except from one thing.

“I will go back, I don’t want to get out anymore.” He said, his eyes close and his heart heavy. “I can’t be trusted, I proved it again. I will tell you everything I know and then you can go, you don’t even need me.”

He never wanted anything more than freedom from this prison he was stuck in, that’s why he reached out to Sam in the first place. But Lucifer needed the hunter much more than Sam needed him. After what he did he didn’t deserve freedom, he would stay down here where he couldn’t hurt anyone, especially not _him_.

“No.”

It was all Sam said, but his voice surprised Lucifer so much that he instantly let go of him. Only… Sam didn’t. His hand was still holding Lucifer’s arm, the shocked look in his eyes had changed to something that the angel couldn’t define anymore.

“I hurt you.” Lucifer reminded him as a matter of fact, because apparently Sam didn’t understand. If he did it once there was no guarantee he wouldn’t do it again once a situation got out of hand. What if he hit him again, or worse, because he lost control? He would never be able to forgive himself for what he just did, how could he if he did it again?

Sam stayed silent, but then pulled Lucifer close again so he could hold him for a moment, long enough for Lucifer to close his eyes and take a deep breath with his face buried against the hunter’s neck.

“I forgive you, Lucifer. I know you didn’t want to do this.”

Those words should have been a relief for the angel, but they were the exact opposite. He shook his head slightly, unable to accept them. He _wanted_ to accept them, _wanted_ Sam to not hate him and forgive him, but at what cost?

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness, Sam.” He whispered. “I’m a monster, Michael was right.”

Suddenly Sam pushed him away, his glare stern and deep. Now he would say it, now he would agree, ask Lucifer about the Darkness and then go. And Lucifer would not be able to hurt him again. He feared what came next, but on the other side he needed him to say it so it would finally be over.

“You are not a monster.” Sam said seriously, surprising Lucifer even more than before. “What you did was wrong, but it was also something else. It was human.” The angel’s eyes widened when Sam smiled slightly. Did he just call him… human? It should have been an insult, but from Sam it wasn’t.

“What if I do it again? How could I ever look at you again if I did?”

Not that he had hopes of getting out anymore. And even if he did he would never see Sam again, he would keep himself as far away from the human as possible, eliminating every chance to do something like this again in his life.

“We will find a way to prevent it.” Sam said silently, but assuring. Lucifer stared at him in disbelief. He didn’t say I, he said _we_. Sam pulled him into his arms again and this time Lucifer didn’t feel so much guilt anymore, even though it was still stinging, still hurting him.

“Not even a thousand words can excuse what I did to you.” He whispered, his arms wrapping around the human, holding him too. Lucifer never thought he would need someone’s embrace, but Sam’s arms were the only thing he ever wanted again. Despite all he did, despite what he did to him, he still stayed. That was much more than he deserved and much more than he ever wished for.

“Then don’t say anything at all.” Sam said and Lucifer smiled against his hair, for the first time doing what he was told and just kept his mouth shut.


End file.
